Study vibes

Yesterday my flatmates started their masters. I'm still doing my nutrition course and we have another live call tonight. I feel that I am pretty behind with all the content, even though I go through it every week. So I'm currently going back and going through it all and doing all the homeworks properly.

I'm pretty excited because I will actually have time to join in for the live call today. It's a great opportunity to ask questions and get them answered straight away. Hopefully the connection is good! 

The power of sleep

Last night I decided that my day was over at 8.30pm.
I must have fallen sleep maybe around 9.30 (latest), but maaaan did I feel good this morning. Woke up at 5am with the increasing light from my sunrise lamp (but before my bird song alarm went off). 

No coffee needed!
And now in my break I chose to have a herbal tea at the E5bakery, whilst typing out an agreement form for my clients (and this post).

As my morning meditation woman says:
"Open your eyes, get out there. Today is gonna be a successful day"

silence

Today feels quiet. 
Quiet around me and quiet on the inside. 
Like something peaceful.
Or something supressed. 
Sometimes I don't know if I know the difference. 

It has now been officially a week, but it feels like forever.
Every day has felt longer somehow.

A part of me doesn't know if I know the guy anymore.
Another part feels like I know everything there is to know about another human being.
But I guess all that might be irrelevant now.

 Yes, today feels quiet.

 

drunk in love

Title, says ut all. I am drrrrrrunk and it feels so good to not feel much at all. 
Room is spinning, mind is numb and I really don't give a fuck right now. 

So after running into my ex (it's a bit soon, but it's still what he is and I'm not known for sugar coating) I spent most of the day at home writing lyrics, doing some singing and drinking red wine. Sometimes you gotta love the red wine. Plus, all of my friends were away this time of the day and I was desperate and needed something.

I fell asleep on my desk for maybe 10-20 minutes before I got a text from Nancy saying we can meet up and have something to eat. 

And after greek food and more red wine we split ways. She heading home, and me heaading to a bar. Yes, on my own. I had a really nice time and I connected with some members and non-members. Had one glass of Vodka with lime then two glasses of bubbly, and now I'm drunk. 

So drunk.

speak your heart

I have walked around this week thinking that I am doing pretty okay. I was convinced that I was doing okay, and maybe I really was... but today I was caught off guard seeing K on my way home through Broadway Market. My heart skipped a beat and I was instantly happy and horrified at the same time. A part of me wanted to run away hoping that he didn't see me, but I didn't dare to move and a part of me wanted him to see me. 

He came up to me, gave me a hug and tried to make small talk. But when he asked me how I was my walls crashed down, I started crying and said that I had to go. Then I walked away, through the crowd, as quickly as I could, without looking back.

I am clearly not okay.

It's all quite a mess, and it's probably better off this way. 
But in my dreams he reaches out and ask if we can try again.
At night I feel it the most and I find myself holding my hand on his pillow.
It takes everything in me not to reach out. But everytime I don't, I almost do. 



And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,


And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,

Strong - body and mind

Last night I felt lonely before falling alseep. And this morning I felt tired. Just as tired I did for two weeks before things ended. No willpower to drag me out of bed. 

But I did, and I went to work..

Then I came home and went back to my bed... started watching House and falling in and out of sleep. Feeling so, so tired. No willpower to drag myself out of bed to go and train. 

But I did. 

Went up to 80kg on Hip Thrust and 75kg on Back Squats. 
I think I pulled a muscle in my ass, but it feels good to feel strong. 

Having a strong body really helps with the strength of the mind as well.
I may not have strong willpower at the moment, but I have discipline enough to go out and do what needs to get done during the day. Then at night I allow myself to feel down and lonely if those are the emotions that I am feeling. 

I am not happy with the way things turned out, and I am not putting on a face to pretend that I am happy even though it might seem that way. I'm simply keeping myself occupied, focusing on self-development and taking out my frustration in the gym. I don't need to cry to get a sense of release, even though I have no problem crying... in any situation. 

Weight training is so much more than just muscular strength and growth. 
It really makes your mind stronger and you can see things clearer.
(Plus, you'll look better if you are consistent with it.)

up again

Just as I wrote the last post I was really dipping in my mood, then the mail man came and gave me a package sent from H&M and a package sent from my friend W. 

Three Moleskin books!

Black - Diary
White - Gratitude
Red - Work

Or something like that.
Now I gotta get back on my productive hype, whilst waiting for my meat delivery to arrive.

Up and Down

I woke up to my light lamp today, 3 minutes before my alarm. I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I did my morning meditation while still lying in bed, and today was easier to block out thoughts and feelings. 

The last two days I have been super busy working and running around that I haven't had time to be still, haven't had time to feel. 

Today I am not busy at all. And despite how good my day has been so far, in a blink of an eye I get reminded of what I don't have and what I won't have. 

It is the weirdest thing when you stop talking to someone and you still have all this leftover information about them. Like the name of their cat, where they grew up, when their birthday is, what makes them sad and what makes them happy, their scent, what position they usually sleep in... I know all these details, but now he is gone, and I don't know what to do with it. 

One day at the time.

aftermath

I woke up with a feeling of emptiness, but when I tried to do my morning meditation my head was so loud I couldn't stay focused on one single thing. 

The thought of having to re-visualise everything I wanted in the future is quite offputting and I would rather just stay still in this moment for a while. Not moving at all. Just fuctioning. Just doing enough to fill the day. Then go back to sleep again.

I gave it my all

It's funny how everything changes in an instant.
And it's funny that despite all the love that's shared between two people, it still ends up in heart ache.
And it's funny that hope will always be the last thing that leaves you.

I knew it was over the moment he stepped into the flat.
He didn't even have to say anything, I just knew by the way he couldn't look at me properly.
I'm grateful that he actually did tell me why it's ending in the end, even though it is hard to understand and accept. 

By here I am, and I've been here before.
I can't tell you how much it sucks, but if you have been in the same situation, I don't even need to try to describe it. It sucks and my heart hurts and all I want to do is to try to convince him to stay.  But I'm not going to do that anymore. I can honestly say I have done everything I can for this relationship and I am proud to say it. It doesn't change anything now, but at least I know I couldn't do any more to try save it.

The worst part is that I still hope for him to change his mind and come back telling me that he made a mistake. Maybe he will, maybe he won't... but I really can't let myself stay in that place hoping and waiting. 

I really do feel like I have just lost a massive part of me, but I also believe everything will always be the way they are suppose to be and time with either heal things or make them fade. 

Weekend

I have had a super duper nice weekend, surrounding myself with positive people. 

Yesterday I spent most of my day with my new-ish friend. We had pizza and we talked for hours... then we had burgers with her bf (and also new-ish friend) in the evening. It was super nice and comforting and then I fell asleep like a baby leaving lights on, computer running and an almost burned down candle to burn and die.. 

Today I had a quiet but nice class, and then I was invited to hang with my two clients and their friend to celebrate one of my client's birthday. First we had a coffee at Broadway Market, and then three of us went to share a bottle of wine and some cheese byt the canal. The weather has been so nice this weekend, and to meet new people can be the most refreshing things. Funnily enough two of them are Swedish too, so I think we could relate to a lot of things in life. 

Again, such a refreshing weekend!
I thnk for so long I have put myself in isolation. Not with the intention of doing so, but it's easy to stay in a bubble. Time to change that. 

On that note.
I'm meeting with K in about 1 hour... I'm nervous but excited at the same time.
I honestly have so much love for him, I can't even express how much.
I know he feels the same, but the question is if we can try find common ground again and start talking about compromising our lives to that we can be together and build a beautiful thing together. That's what I want, but I can't do it if that's not what he wants.

To be continued...

Chaos and peace

I have come to realise a lot lately. 

I can't control everything happening around me, but I can learn how to look at it and control myself and my thoughts. At this time in my life, my patience is being tested. Is it easy to deal with? Not at all. But as much as I feel like I am standing still due to someone else's inability to decide, I feel that I am growing as a person. 

Any difficult time in ones life is a test and a chance to grow.
You can let it beat you down, supress it and be resentful. 
Or you can embrace all the emotions and opportunity that it brings. 

I am a very impatient person, I want things my way and I want them now.
A good and a not so good trade to have. But I can feel that I am learning how to control my patience, slowly but steady. Which I am grateful for. There are more ways to get what you want than to persist and push until something moves. 

While I can't put my love onto who I want right now, I am chosing to put it all on myself.
Physically, but more importantly mentally.

where am I?

This month has been an emotional rollercoaster, and yet today I still don't know where things are and what will be in the future. 

After an actual breakup I came to realise a lot of things about the relationship I was in and about my own actions and attitudes towards it. I realised I love this guy more than I thought and that I don't really want a life without him. 

With that said, things are of course not that black and white. But the bigger picture is that when I am to settle down and start a family I want support from my family, and get guidance from my parents. I think it's something every woman would like to have if possible. 

Love is not an issue for us, there's plenty... and the last couple of days has really shown me that. What I feel at this moment in time is that us being together IS the right thing, and that any obstacle down the line we can deal with when it becomes relevant in time. 

I understand the reason to end things now, because it would be the easy thing to do. Then it would be no obstacles to deal with later on. But I just can't believe that the future, that is not even set in stone, is the cause to us not being and loving eachother now. 


I actually don't know what I am feeling - I can't really process what is going on. I am just wandering around. Not numb, just feeling something I can't put my fingers on. But I really do hope that it will all be clear soon.