Last night I woke up at 3.15am and couldn't really go back to sleep... My body feels slightly out of place hormonally, so I took today off training to get some extra recovery in before my session tomorrow.
And tomorrow my friends Emilie and Jesper will come and stay over for the weekend.
Other than me having to find myself a bed somewhere else for Saturday night it will be a good time.
It's 10pm and I'm really gonna try to get a great night's sleep.
I need it.
Wednesday 28 October 2015
Saturday 24 October 2015
Looking up
Things are still going better with the guy.
Loads of conversations needed but I truly believe that by being honest and open is the way to go in any kind of relationship.
I am writing my CV that I will be sending in to UP Fitness next week and hopefully I can get a position as a Junior Trainer there. Salary based work, and shit loads of hours... but the education I will get from working with those guys in invaluable. Otherwise I have spoken to the manager at Fitness4Less and I am welcome back in Jan 2016 if I want to. So we'll see... I think sometimes going backwards is not a bad thing so that you can move forward. But ideally I will get the position at UP.
All this means that my plans going back to Sweden is pushed a bit. But to be honest I don't feel ready to move back just yet. However, come 2016 I will make the effort to go back visit a bit more than I have these past few years.
Loads of conversations needed but I truly believe that by being honest and open is the way to go in any kind of relationship.
I am writing my CV that I will be sending in to UP Fitness next week and hopefully I can get a position as a Junior Trainer there. Salary based work, and shit loads of hours... but the education I will get from working with those guys in invaluable. Otherwise I have spoken to the manager at Fitness4Less and I am welcome back in Jan 2016 if I want to. So we'll see... I think sometimes going backwards is not a bad thing so that you can move forward. But ideally I will get the position at UP.
All this means that my plans going back to Sweden is pushed a bit. But to be honest I don't feel ready to move back just yet. However, come 2016 I will make the effort to go back visit a bit more than I have these past few years.
Saturday 17 October 2015
Saturday accountanting....
I just spent a good two hours doing some accounting. I still need to go through everything and compare it to my bank statements. Daaaamn it's so boring and I will be on a hunt for an accountant first thing Monday since I don't even know / trust myself doing any of this right.
here we go again
I'm so tired of reading my own blog sometimes... especially in this love drama of mine.
So things are, eh, better with the guy. I wouldn't wanna say good just yet, since it's a work in progress to rebuild something and I am still left feeling slightly insecure and don't get enough reassurance. I know the insecurities goes both ways, but I think I dare to be more open about it.
But on that note. Training is great and despite planning a day of rest and just foam rolling today I also ended up smashing an epic shoulder workout. Really felt it today and I really enjoyed myself at the gym.
Now I just need to sort out my diet and keep pushing boundries for myself.
I am currently writing a personal letter for when I apply to thsi gym I'd like to work in. We'll see how it goes, but it sure would be an amazing opportunity working there.
I got no plans but putting down time on myself today.
So things are, eh, better with the guy. I wouldn't wanna say good just yet, since it's a work in progress to rebuild something and I am still left feeling slightly insecure and don't get enough reassurance. I know the insecurities goes both ways, but I think I dare to be more open about it.
But on that note. Training is great and despite planning a day of rest and just foam rolling today I also ended up smashing an epic shoulder workout. Really felt it today and I really enjoyed myself at the gym.
Now I just need to sort out my diet and keep pushing boundries for myself.
I am currently writing a personal letter for when I apply to thsi gym I'd like to work in. We'll see how it goes, but it sure would be an amazing opportunity working there.
I got no plans but putting down time on myself today.
Tuesday 13 October 2015
Sunday 11 October 2015
speak you heart
Tonight I made the decision that my long, tiring and confusing fight for K has come to an end. I have litterally no more magic tricks up my sleave to pull out... and I am not even the one that should be trying to fix things at this point.
It feels like I'm so close I could touch it, yet to far and so foreign that I can never understand what's going on inside his head. But after getting nothing but contradictions between words and actions, there really isn't much left I can do to preserve my own heart and wellbeing but to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. At some point it has to stop. At some point you can't go on in the same way. He hasn't done anything so far, he may as well never do anything, and I can't save him.
I'm just fucking pissed off that a person can't be decent enough to be honest and open with me - who have litterally been the closest and most supportive person these past two years and who is still, considering all that has happened, just litterally pouring every little piece I have left of my heart onto him. For what?
I am so incredibly sad and tired. I know I am worthy far more that what has been given to me. He knows it too, yet he doesn't have the courage it takes to make things right - whatever right may be. Silence is not the right way. Not in this case, be it together or apart.
It feels like I'm so close I could touch it, yet to far and so foreign that I can never understand what's going on inside his head. But after getting nothing but contradictions between words and actions, there really isn't much left I can do to preserve my own heart and wellbeing but to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. At some point it has to stop. At some point you can't go on in the same way. He hasn't done anything so far, he may as well never do anything, and I can't save him.
I'm just fucking pissed off that a person can't be decent enough to be honest and open with me - who have litterally been the closest and most supportive person these past two years and who is still, considering all that has happened, just litterally pouring every little piece I have left of my heart onto him. For what?
I am so incredibly sad and tired. I know I am worthy far more that what has been given to me. He knows it too, yet he doesn't have the courage it takes to make things right - whatever right may be. Silence is not the right way. Not in this case, be it together or apart.
Wednesday 7 October 2015
morning thoughts
So, things are still unknown when it comes to what's going to happen.
There is a lot of water under the bridge between us, but at least no one is holding a match to set it on fire just yet.
Thing have been so complicated, yet so simple.
If people are honest, and fearless to be so, a lot of problem just wouldn't happen.
We have to be more courageous and not be scared of being vulnerable.
We also have to believe that we derserve goodness, to be where we are and with who we are with if it makes us happy. To fight for what we believe is right, and to let go of what we cannot save. It's not easy, but if honesty was something we REALLY practiced towards ourselves, we would also eliminate a lot of doubt and questions we already know the answers to if we dared to really listen. But the grown-up humans almost always chose to go the easy way because we are too scared what would happen if we did what we thought TRULY was right for us. Intuition is a powerful and scary tool.
There is a lot of water under the bridge between us, but at least no one is holding a match to set it on fire just yet.
Thing have been so complicated, yet so simple.
If people are honest, and fearless to be so, a lot of problem just wouldn't happen.
We have to be more courageous and not be scared of being vulnerable.
We also have to believe that we derserve goodness, to be where we are and with who we are with if it makes us happy. To fight for what we believe is right, and to let go of what we cannot save. It's not easy, but if honesty was something we REALLY practiced towards ourselves, we would also eliminate a lot of doubt and questions we already know the answers to if we dared to really listen. But the grown-up humans almost always chose to go the easy way because we are too scared what would happen if we did what we thought TRULY was right for us. Intuition is a powerful and scary tool.
Monday 5 October 2015
Struggle
I am struggling.
Struggling to let go, struggling to hold on.
Struggling to see the point in both letting go and holding on.
I can honestly say that I don't know if I have felt this beaten down before.
When I first got my heart broken at the age of 20 it was the worst pain I ever felt, but I knew from the start that I couldn't hold on. So the road to recovery started almost as soon as the falldown. It took time, but I kept moving forward and eventually there was only a tiny scar reminding me that I was stronger and wiser.
But this time it's different. This time I am struggling.
I know I have so much strength inside and love and support around me from others, but I can't help but to feel lonely. I can't help but to feel beaten down and lost. And I know it is at the expense of the fact that He can't be honest with me. For two months he hasn't been honest and straight with me. And now I am tired, and I feel that I haven't moved one inch forward.
I thought that if you're in love you are the lucky one.
Because most people are longing for it, searching for it or are bitter over it.
I am struggling because the person that use to care about me the most, doesn't care enough to speak to me, to tell me the truth whilst looking into my eyes. The same eyes he used to look in when he told me he loved me more than anything in this world. I am struggling because I don't understand what happened to us.
Maybe if I undestood, I could move forward.
But I don't. So I'm standing still.
Struggling to let go, struggling to hold on.
Struggling to see the point in both letting go and holding on.
I can honestly say that I don't know if I have felt this beaten down before.
When I first got my heart broken at the age of 20 it was the worst pain I ever felt, but I knew from the start that I couldn't hold on. So the road to recovery started almost as soon as the falldown. It took time, but I kept moving forward and eventually there was only a tiny scar reminding me that I was stronger and wiser.
But this time it's different. This time I am struggling.
I know I have so much strength inside and love and support around me from others, but I can't help but to feel lonely. I can't help but to feel beaten down and lost. And I know it is at the expense of the fact that He can't be honest with me. For two months he hasn't been honest and straight with me. And now I am tired, and I feel that I haven't moved one inch forward.
I thought that if you're in love you are the lucky one.
Because most people are longing for it, searching for it or are bitter over it.
I am struggling because the person that use to care about me the most, doesn't care enough to speak to me, to tell me the truth whilst looking into my eyes. The same eyes he used to look in when he told me he loved me more than anything in this world. I am struggling because I don't understand what happened to us.
Maybe if I undestood, I could move forward.
But I don't. So I'm standing still.
Thursday 1 October 2015
A Thursday
Today has been a nice day.
First I got to sleep until I woke up naturally - SO nice - although it was before 7.30 am when I opened my eyes. Skypes home and talked to my mum. I've been quite bad at calling back lately, so it was really nice to have a catch up.
SUPER nice weather is always positive, so my bike ride to Southwark was very enjoyable. Had a good shoulder session and then I started training a new client.
Been sitting in the ITV tower chilling and studying for the past 3 hours, and soon I will head back to East and have one more client for the day.
First I got to sleep until I woke up naturally - SO nice - although it was before 7.30 am when I opened my eyes. Skypes home and talked to my mum. I've been quite bad at calling back lately, so it was really nice to have a catch up.
SUPER nice weather is always positive, so my bike ride to Southwark was very enjoyable. Had a good shoulder session and then I started training a new client.
Been sitting in the ITV tower chilling and studying for the past 3 hours, and soon I will head back to East and have one more client for the day.
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