Struggle

I am struggling. 

Struggling to let go, struggling to hold on.
Struggling to see the point in both letting go and holding on. 
I can honestly say that I don't know if I have felt this beaten down before.

When I first got my heart broken at the age of 20 it was the worst pain I ever felt, but I knew from the start that I couldn't hold on. So the road to recovery started almost as soon as the falldown. It took time, but I kept moving forward and eventually there was only a tiny scar reminding me that I was stronger and wiser.

But this time it's different. This time I am struggling.
I know I have so much strength inside and love and support around me from others, but I can't help but to feel lonely. I can't help but to feel beaten down and lost. And I know it is at the expense of the fact that He can't be honest with me. For two months he hasn't been honest and straight with me. And now I am tired, and I feel that I haven't moved one inch forward. 

I thought that if you're in love you are the lucky one.
Because most people are longing for it, searching for it or are bitter over it. 

I am struggling because the person that use to care about me the most, doesn't care enough to speak to me, to tell me the truth whilst looking into my eyes. The same eyes he used to look in when he told me he loved me more than anything in this world. I am struggling because I don't understand what happened to us. 

Maybe if I undestood, I could move forward.
But I don't. So I'm standing still.