muah

So I managed to convince my BF that I was going to stay with him tonight, so here I am again. This is not about him even though he doesn't really realize that I like him. I mean instead of waking up at 9.30 and walk four minutes to go to school, I wake up next to him around 7 just to take a bus for one hour and a half. That must mean something.

Anyways. Today was a terrible food day.
As a matter of fact I've had one juice, four buns, one panini and one pizza slice, and that's it.
On my way here I had to sit iwith my knees by my face to ease my pain.

Now I'm normal again and tomorrow is definately a new healthier day.

LCCM week 11

I felt that school was really good today and even though I still can't ad-lib on a blues scale I feel that I kind of connected with my teacher that I have been disliking until now. He's a great singer with a special way of puting his thoughts into words which can make you sound stupid and useless.

Today I got him to realize that that I actually am trying my very best and I'm not an arrogant brat saying "I can't do this so I won't do this". I just realized that he's kind of like me, that's why I'm having such a hard time liking him.

But the vocal P&I went pretty damn good I would like to say. This week we're singing Wayfaring Stranger by Eva Cassidy, and it's the only song that I didn't have to have growing on me. It's a great song and I think it suits me.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed

I really have mood swings and I hate myself for having them. I become such a brat or as my boyfriend also like to say, a princess.

I don't want to be a spoiled little girl and I know that when I get to that stage I really sound like one. So I have to work on myself a bit because no one diserve being around me then. Or I don't diserve being around anyone I should say.


Today I'm fine, or really good. I'm about to go and buy myself a smoothie and go to work. I have a great feeling about today. And tonight I'm going to cook for my flat mates. That means that I'm going to sleep in my own bed for the first time in about two weeks...

good for me

I feels so good runing and the feeling after is even better and I just don't understand why I don't take my time doing what makes me feel good.

Well, that's not completly true, but when it comes to runing it is.

AND.

Damn, I've lost my stamina. Seriously. Things need to change. Yesterday I promised myself a slamin' good looking body for my 22 birthday. So that's about eight months I have to achieve that. Generous. But I'm not going to get a freak that don't enjoy food and sweets if that's what I want every now and then. I'm just saying, it is time for some small changes in life.

nurå

Now I've had enough of postponing my run, I'm going now!

When I don't feel like writing

yepp

It was nice with some me time. I forgot that that's important too sometimes.

So I've been doing my laundry, ironing my shirts, packing my bag for tomorrow, had a clay mask and a well needed hot shower and also some full body lotioning. I'm content. Now I'm going to sleep.

Upset? Me?

So I never went to the movies tonight, but the guys did. I know I'm not suppose to be upset, and I'm not quite upset... I am just a bit annoyed about the fact I wanted to see the movie too, but since I'm the only one who has to get up at 7 tomorrow morning I choosed to stay at home. And the fact that we could have gone to an earlier screening but since my BF wanted train that never happened. And the fact that we talked about going to the cinema tomorrow instead. And the fact that my BF then told me he might have other plans for tomorrow night.

Then again I shouldn't be upset, because I'm not in control of others life. And I don't want to be either, but that doesn't change the fact that I actually am a bit upset. And I'm cranky because I need proper food and a good work out.

Instead I'm going to have a nice hot shower, I clay mask on my face and then make plans for my weekend that starts tomorrow night. Then I'm going to sleep just to wake up early and maybe go for a run.

How low can you go?

So should I go to the movies or stay home and study?

I am starving though, and I've been going from my work in central London, to pic up my pass port at my place in London Bridge which is in SE London, and from there to Fulham that lies in SW London. So there's been quite many bus hours today.

I can feel how my mood is slowly sinking into something unpleasant.

amazing

School was really good today. I did my vocal exercises for 45 minutes before class and then during class we focused on sightsinging and rythm reading. It's hard but so much fun.

The Preformance and Improvisation (P&I) class went pretty good too, so I am very content with myself because of that.

Now I just had some nasty Sushi for dinner at my BFs house. He's working until 10ish, so I'm going to continue being a good girl and practise my sightsinging, that's the hardest part I think and we're being tested in a week from today.

Fairytale

" Cinderella walked on broken glass,
Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by,
Belle fell in love with a beast,
Pocahontas risked her life for a feast,
Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man,
and Ariel, she walked on land "

lista

Oh and I aslo need to find somewhere to live. I have a week before I have to move out. I don't think my flat mates are THAT picky, but it would be fair. I wonder if they've found a replacement yet...

So as you can tell I have things to do.
First studies though.
Later I'll find my home.

Ciao

fucking fantastic

God day at school today, even though it was only two hours. Theory... I don't know what to say, it's quite fun actually. At least when you get it, and comparing to what I new six weeks ago and what I know today I feel fucking fantastic about myself.

How do we celebrate that?

Sweet sweets...


Today I'm home at my own place too, so now I'm going for some hard core studying before I might go to the Blues Bar tonight. Later I'm still going to sleep with my boyfriend. Yes, I mean sleep with AND sleep with.

you spinn my head round

I've been really dizzy this weekend, and I still am. I think it might be de-hydration, but I then I really doubt it at the same time.

And on top of that I hit my nose quite hard today. So far all you can see it a small mark of where I hit the wardrobe door, but I'll keep you updated if anything has changed tomorrow.

But seriously I think there might be something wrong with me. I'm not the person walking around thinking I'm sick as soon as I feel something. But maybe I should check it, just to be sure. Or I tell you this. If I feel about the same in three weeks I'll have my head checked when I go to Sweden.

Time for some night hours.
Byee

Aug 23

I cooked lunch for my two chef friends today. They said they liked it, and even though it could have been a lie, I liked my food and I'm taking their words as a compliment.

I looked at that place too. Lovey room in a lovely area for very cheap. The things is that the quite old man was giving me an akward feeling, like the creeps. So I don't know. I don't spend that much time at home anyways, but I just imagine waking up in the middle of the night having an old man staring at me by the bedroom door. So I have to think about it and still be open for other options.

I just did some yoga too. Feels amazing and I hope to wake up a bit soar tomorrow.

Now I'm having a quick shower before the chefs and I are going to Nandos.

looking up.

I have a bank account now. A huge stone dropped of my shoulders. Tonight I'm also going to look at a new home. I hope I get it because it's cheap and in a pretty good area with pretty good trafic connections.

So today is a brighter day for sure.

when the birds are singing.

Good morning. It's almost nine in the morning and the polish workers has started their noise. Time to be productive.

weekend

We went to that Brazilian club yesterday, and I must say I enjoyed myself quite a lot. The only thing that was rather bad was the volume. You could not have a normal conversation. Great show though, both samba and capoeira. Made me miss those days, and I realized I need to get back to it, or to something. I plan to start dancing again as soon as I get back here from Sweden in the end of September.


Today the BF and I went and has a really nice lunch one of the couple going to the club yesterday. I had a really good time and I think It's great for me to meet other people. Because I think I'm going crazy. I cried today too. I've become such a cry baby. I never though it would be this hard. It's a great experience but I can't wait until things are looking brighter.


So tomorrow I'm going to the bank for the 15th time to try to get a bank account. I will also send out e-mails and call people to arrange viewings for a new home. I need to study theory, do my vocal exercises and I need to learn next weeks song. I would also love a run.


Oh and guess what.

It's raining.

Today is the tomorrow we feared for yesterday.

So, yesterday was hard. Really hard. I guess my BF is right when he says that my shitty days really shows since I'm always cheerful.

My amazing flat mate really brought me up yesterday too. It's sad that I have to move, I really really like her, and him too. But I have to, and we can always stay in thought. She said she could be my surrogat mum, or sister. I think I need one, haha.


So yeah I let it all go last night, now I'm drained and de-hydrated, but I feel good again. It's time for a new day at work and tonight we're going to a Brazilian bar to celebrate someones birthday.

come tomorrow

I'm having a hard day and tears are on the edge of bursting out all the time. The thing is… I feel weak, that I can't do this. But thinking of myself as a quiter is just not something I can do. It just feels like I'm starting over again, or so it seems.

I'm moving out in two weeks and I need to find somewhere else to live.

I can't get my bank account at the moment and my boss is constantly on me about it. And now I'm having Monday of next week so that I can "make some effort" and actually get one. Like I've not been trying...

And they expect me to be as good waitress as the guys who has been doing this for over 15 years. I'm not bad, I'm just not as good as they are, and I think they forget the fact that I've never been a waitress before.


So yeah, its one of those days.
I feel that I really want to go home, but for what? I'm lonely and frustrated. I litteraly have like one person I can rely on here, which I am very thankful for. I think I couldn't make it without him.

As I said, just one of those days.

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you.

Yoga is so good for me, and I bet for everyone. I am so relaxed and calm that I will go right to bed and have the best night of sleep. It sure is nice sleeping with someone in the bed, but I don't think anything beats sleeping in a dark, a bit chilly room, under a duvet and nothing and no one there to disturb your dreams.

So tonight, I'm sleeping alone. Tomorrow I don't, but I think one night every now and then is enough to please my need of privacy.

Off you go.

My friend just left. It's not sad, because I know I'll see her in just a couple of weeks.

Just after leaving her at the station my dad called. I always get happy when he calles me. It's so nice to get in touch with the life I had at home, even though I know my life is here now. Somehow it's comforting though.

Now I'm going to focus on my last week in school before the break. I still have a final test to do, so Ineed to take that seriously even though I already know I will pass.

I'm off to my last Bikram Yoga class. Then I'm going to start dancing, ALL kinds of dance. I'm excited and the school is so cheap too...

It's cold out side, but it's warm in my bed

Tuesday morning and I'm just about to get ready for school. What to say, I don't expect my teacher to be another person... but I do am looking forward to see my class mates.

I'm going early now since I need to learn the song for this week. With my friend here it hasn't been high on my list of things to do, or I didn't even have it on my list. So now it's about time for that.

She's leaving tonight too. We've had so much fun and she really got me out of my stress shell for a couple of days, and I am thankful for that.

Tomorrow my boyfriend is coming home from 3rd world, so I'm looking forward to that too... a lot!

Well well, so long.

Mwaa

Work was really slow today, and fortunately my friends came in for a good 45 minutes to keep me company.

We watched Silent Hill after dinner and of course I always fall asleep, especially when it's a great movie too... but yeah.

Tomorrow I'm back in school, which might be fun. I still don't like the teacher we're having tomorrow and since I'm on my period I don't want hell breaking lose. But lucky me my friend is going to join in before she goes back to Sweden. Mwaa, I had fun having her here. But all good things come to an end. I'll be home soon though.

Monday again

Yesterday my friend and I went to Brick Lane market. Then we went to buy sweets, a lot of sweets. At around 3 pm we started to look at Lion King 2, followed by Brother bear 1 and 2, The Losers and City of Angels. Then it was time to go to bed.

Now I'm going to work. I'm woiking at the café today, so I will have time for some studies. Need it since I haven't really done anything but enjoying my friends precent.

Hasta luego amigos.

September 14

Today was a great day, starting with a sleep in morning.

Before leaving home I did some laundry and then we left my shirts for dry cleaning. Those stains just won't come off.

We tried to go to the same museum I always go to but the line was just too much to bare. We went to the museum next door instead. Then we had a lunch in an Italian quite bad reastaurant, and had a quite lovely time, and the food wasn't that bad actually.

We went for some window shopping and then suddenly it was time to go out dancing. So we went to the Loop and it was so much fun, dancing and making fun of people.

Now we're home and satisfied. time to sleep since we're going up in 5,5 hours to go to Brick Lane Market and for some more dancing.


Oh, and I have a boyfriend too. Just thought I should mention that.

NIGHT!

Friday 13th

Today was a pretty productive day.

I was working in the kitchen for about five hours before I could go shopping with my friend. Tired as a fuck stick I hung in there for about three hours before we went home.

Oh, before all that we went to the bank. Guess what?! No fucking jävla kuk account today eighter. That I could not take so I litteraly had to run out and start to cry. I'm having my PMS and frustration is not a thing I can take in this amount this time a month. Seriously?!


So yeah, after crying and shopping we went home to cook some dinner, starving as we were. And just when we stepped into the kitchen I wanted to cry again. Such a mess I'm living in. No kidding I'm not a perfectionist, but this is nasty shit.. So no joke, we made Mr Muscle our best friend for today.

Dinner was amazing in the end though.

And after I did some must do stuff before we hurried away to go to the cinema. We saw Step up 3D, which I think was pretty lame to be frankly with you.

Now it's time to sleep. Tomorrow we're going to some exhibitions I always go to when I'm here for some weird reason. Dinasaours and Creepy Crawlers is my favourite.

Oh well, it's 2.23 and it's time to sleep.
Good night!

AH RÅ

So once again I haven't been home for two days, so what's new it that my guy friend went away to Africa this morning, I've been working, and now..... My GIRL friend is here.

I am happy and yeah... we'll see what's going to happen the next five days. I'm excited though! Oh, and she got brown hair again, wot wot!

work work work smurk

So apparently I am working tomorrow too. Don't really mind, but as I said yesterday I was suppose to go on two interviews and I also had in mind getting my bank account from another bank. Oh well... what is a night at the castle?

The good thing though is that I'm going to work in the café upstairs which it kind of quiet, so I'll just bring a lot of music theory to read and I kill two birds with one stone. yeeeei we like that!

Now I'm going to Fulham. Ciao!

Frustration

I had my day off today. I went for Bikram yoga in the morning before I realized it was such a beautiful day. I spent maybe 20 minutes just laying down on the grass before I had to take care of things. So right now I feel that I wasted nicest day in a long time, just geting sent back and forth to different banks so that I did not end up with a bank account today. That sucks long time.

So I feel a bit frustrated since I spent litteraly HOURS on this shit, but I ended up doing no good today. God damit.

Or oh well, I'm doind laundry, but who cares?


Ps. I think I might need some serious anger management, because since I got here I've got such a temper. I might hurt someone.

Ps2. Forget tha last ps. I know it's my PMS that's haunting me. Blah!

Monkey buisness

You could never in the world guess what new extra job I'm going on an interview for. It's almost so funny I wont tell you about it, but if I do get it I won't really have to worry about money.

Okay, now it sounds a bit nasty since apparently that's what people tend to think of when someone says something unclear.

But well. I'm going on an interview for modeling. Or actually, I'm going on two different interviews. I'm going on Wednesday so I'll tell you all about it then.


What else, oh yes. Yesterday I went for some hard stuff when I was doing Bikram Yoga for the first time. 90 minutes constant exercise in heat is hard shit, but man you feel good after. So guess what I'm gonna do in 1,5 hours before I PROMISE my self to get myself a bank account and send some papers to CSN?

Oh well, have a fab day!

productive day in a single bedroom

So it's been a productive morning, and now it's already afternoon, and I'm still in my bed.

I've been doing a lot of vocal excersises and talked to meaningful people. The weather is as usual cloudy and grey, but I have to get out. And I need to eat.

There will be no running, but definately yoga later tonight.
I think I'm going for a long walk. I really wish I had a book so that could enter another world sometimes. It's so nice when you can just cut off reality for a while. Not that I don't want to be in my own world, I'm just saying it's nice to have the opportunity to do that sometimes.

Man I am starving. GAH!

gug

it's like music

I'm writing music again. I don't even know the last time I reached for a pen and put artistic words on a piece of paper. It feels great but I probably won't finish it. I don't want to be inside the whole day.

But I'll show you something later!

Mr. Play it safe was afraid to fly

I just got in from karaoke night. It was fun and I think I needed to come out for a bit. Keep my mind off daily stress and so on.

So my shine was Ironic by Alanis Morrisette.

Tomorrow I will definately do something physically exhausting, maybe even twice, thinking of runing in the morning and yoga in the afternoon. I have two days off and absolutly no restrictions. I do need to get my bank account fixed and still send some paper to CSN in Sweden. I'm on it!

Time for a film and some sleep.

I'm coming home

I just booked tickets to go home to Sweden. I'm so excited I want to wet my pants right now.

September 13th to 27th.

See you soon!

Oh, and can someone pick me up from the airport around 13.15? Thanks.

D-pointment

Work was really good today and I am so happy to have my job. My boss also said he's very pleased having me there, and that makes me a bit proud because I'm really not a waitress. Or well, now I am.

And I also got my two weeks of from work, so Sweden here I come, in September!

My plans for tonight was blown off, again, which made me really disappointed. I hate that feeling and I need to work on that, because I know it's not the last time it's going to happen.

But I do think I realized something. I lock myself out from people just to not let rejections get to me. No feeling involved = no disappointments. If it's good or bad I wont say, probably bad. But it keeps me on track. Or so I thought, because I still ended up disappointed and angry today.

But enough about that.

Instead I'm going out to a karaoe-bar with a couple of lads tonight. I'm sure that will be fun. I feel like drinking too. I already broke my sweet-pact with myself, so maybe I'll cheat on the alcohol-pact too.

show off

So yeah, I thought I was going to record while preforming the song we had to learn until this week. I've had my nose in theory books every spare minutet I've had so I really had to learn the song in two seconds. And I did and I think I did great too.. up until my last preformance when I screwed up totally. This is the really bad recordning of a really bad preformance. So I thought it would be fun to show whoever can stand it. Cheers.

Me happy

I'm getting profesional at work I would like to say. My boss think it's a pleasure having me there and the head chef is telling me that I'm the bomb. So yeah, I'm getting confident.

Today was a pretty cute boy working too, but he's not going to stay, or maybe come back in a month.

I also talked to my boss about having two weeks off, so now I'm definately coming home after this course is over. It's going to be so much fun.

Today I feel great, maybe because how my day started, but I'm not going to tell you about my PG13 stories in detail. And also because my friend is coming here next week. Can't wait until then, we're going to have a blast!

Crimson Sky

I went out for a run and now after a hot shower I feel fantastic. When I started my running session I could really feel how stiff my body is from all stress... and I also guess that's why I sleep badly too.

From today I'm going to focus on my well being and start running and stretching and hang out more with my friends. So tonight, as every Wednesday, I'm going to the Blues Bar in West End. It's a pretty nice place and I will definately sing there one day!

I need to get my optimism back and remind myself about the Secret.
Things are fine!

Now is my laundry done, so I need to hang it up and leave as soon as possible. I'm running late.

help i'm alive

The internet at home doesn't work so here I am writing from school. I've been feeling low the past couple of days and yesterday I was so pissed off at my teacher I could cry and hit the wall with my fist.

There's a lot of money going to this school and I feel that one out of three days we're just waisting our time and money. At least I do. I could almost start working more because I rather gain some money and save me from a stressful situation, then to go to a place where I just get frustrated.

And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love day two and three. I'm just saying, I'm stressed all the time and I can't really relax. I have fix things and find somewhere I can work out, because I'm going to have a mental breakdown and I wish I was joking about it.

stop two

Twenty two (22) days ago I stopped drinking alcohol. That wasn't a big deal for me since I hardly drink anyway. So I thought... what if I just stop eating sweets too? Just like that. I think I might take a bit too much water over my head, but I'll try. It's a pitty though... that my last sweets had to be nasty.

lo que hecho esta hecho

Today ended up like this.

I studied for about three hours and then I went into town for some shopping. That wasn't my intention, but you know, shit happens. I also ended up getting a brazilian while I was walking down the street.

I will not go to yoga tiday since I am way tired and have no energy. I still need to learn the song for this week and I could still need to study some more.

Now I'm heading home from Fulham after picking up things I've left behind and after being rejected. I don't like rejections, but I guess that's life. Now I have a head ache and a lot of things to carry with my home. Mwa mwa mwa!

All music is folk music. I aint never heard no horse sing a song

I've been studying up until now, that's about 127 pages of music theory. I downloaded a great book that really helps you to understand. So far I've just read about basically all the things we've been going through in class, but I think that's a good thing to do, even though it's waisting my day off.

I'm going to read one more chapter, about triplets, before I head out. It a kind of beautiful day and I'm feeling great. Tonight I am going to work out. Now I just want to have time for myself and no stress what so ever. I think that has been my problem. I haven't taking my time to stress down.

day off

I'm having my day off from school and work today. Usually I don't like having days off, but I actually feel that this is needed.

So it's 8.20 am and I'm having my regular porridge for breakfast. I think I'm going to study for about two hours before I take my ass to London Bridge. Maybe I'll continue to study there for a while since the school is open, but I really feel for a workout or maybe a swim.

Total eclipse

Yesterday was a hard day. And when it came to an end, I had a small breakdown. It's really not easy being here right now when I don't have a clue about much. I think what's bothering me the most right now is that I don't know what my pay check will look like and I still have a lot of things to do. That means I have no idea of what I have to move around with. I'm fine for now, but it's stressful to have that in the back of my head.

And I really miss home. Yesterday I figured out that I will have about a month between school and school again, and I might end up going home for a couple of weeks in September if I can get time off from work. I have only been home for six weeks this year, and we're in August now.

I don't know, things will be brighter soon, but I feel alone, really alone. So no, it's not easy to be here when home is so close. I want you to know that I miss you all back home a lot. I can't come back yet though. I need to settle here first. So I hope in September things will feel better and brighter.

Love always.