Females

Today was better than yesterday. Much better. 
I had one client at 9am, then I talked to my friend Emilie in Sweden for the longest time before heading to the gym for a super duper leg session. Came home and did some washing, ate, showered and got ready for a day in town with my flatmate Raae. 

I put on a nice green dress, stockings and a pair of chunky heals.
I put on perfume for the first time in years (?!) as it arrived today and I thought I would treat myself to buying my old scent. In central I bought a new pair of shoes. A nice pair of leather heals which are gonna last forever if I take good care of them. 

Now I have done my hair nicely and I'm meeting a friend for a glass of wine tonight. After that I was just now invited to a club close by, so I thought I'd go for a few hours. Techno may not be my biggest fav of music when I go out, but seeing friends is definitely high on my list of priorities at the moment. 

Tomorrow I signed up as a volunteer at this event thing that sounds like soooo muuuch fuuuun, and I wish I had known about it when tickets were released. But my client recommended signing up as a volunteer, and so I have. Apparently I will also have a reunion with a person I met whilst travelling Brazil almost 6 years ago, so I have a feeling tomorrow will be a laugh as well. 

And for the headline. I am tired of always walking around in my training gear and tracksuits... Don't get me wrong, I love it. But it's not the most feminine outfit in the world. So from now on I will be better at "dressing up" when I have other "non-work" and "non-training" related things to do in my days.

Today

Today has been a funny day. Not in the good way, but I guess not in a bad way either. 

I cannot put words to what it is I am feeling, but after having an amazingly strong week I felt sad again. Or maybe overwhelmed and grateful. Or sentimental. Or confused. Or lonely. Or everything at once. 

So many memories from these past two years have been running loose in my head and I guess after having a couple of weeks of hardly any focus on my feelings, all of a sudden I felt everything. Like a back flash, hitting me hard. I know what I am going though is important and is happening for a reason, but I just can't help but to feel sad that I won't be able to show my love to this one person who has litterally meant the world to me. It's sad because all these memories, are just that from now on, memories. I will not be going to bed and wake up next to him again, and to be honest I think it scares me. And I don't feel ready to let go of these feelings, even though I am trying so hard to.

But then also, in this mess of thoughts and emotions I can't help but to feel so grateful to be able to feel and be so openly vulnerable. I feel grateful to have been able to love someone so hard and I feel grateful for always staying true to who I am. I am sad it is over, but I am grateful for these past two year.

hello sweat

So I went to UP Fitness for a class today. It wasn't even that hard of a class, but I was stuggling. Heart in my throat and my skills and endurance pushing the prowler has been lost. 

I'm considering going back there on Saturday, but knowing who's teaching the class, I must say I am pretty nervous about booking on. 

yesssss

I went through to the next stage at UP, a practical interview where I will have to train one of their guys. I'm so nervous, but I will just do my best and the rest will be what it will. Positive thinking and so muck positive support from people around me makes me feel strong about myself though. 

2nd of December is the day. Until then I will just keep studying and preparing the program I will use for the guy. 

Fingers crossed!

The good in the bad

So today I had my interview with UP. I really don't think I did very well, but I am incredibly excited to thrive no matter the outcome. 

I really don't function when put on the spot like that and I walked away feeling like a retard. I'm sure it went maybe a tiny bit better than horrible, but this is the first time I have ever applied for a job I really want and not just for a random position at some job I didn't really care about. So it was a first, I was intimidated and nervous. But I am proud of myself for even making it into the interview stage, and the rest is future. 

I am completely drained after that experiece and so I will probably sleep like a baby tonight. Been having nightmares two nights in a row, so some peace and quiet in my subconcious would be nice, thank you.

I'm going UP

Well... we'll see what happens in the end but today I got asked to come for an interview, which in it's own is going to the next level (at least in my head). I'm super excited and scared like fuck! I still feel like I will be happy no matter what happens, if I get the job or not. I have decided that next year is my year to level up no matter the circumstance, and that's how I'm going to tackle this.

I can do this, I can be totally awesome and I can get this job!

The Help

I have spent the majority of my day helping my mum polish her CV. Longest day ever, but I got help with mine so it's only fair that I help someone else. Sometimes.... helping a family member... can be the worst possible idea at the time as snapping is extremely common and gratitude seldom shown. It's all love but whilst doing it you just want to rip your head off (or hers)!

goals and personal best

Today my mood was great thanks for Chris Brown - Forever. 
Jokes, I know.
But it worked. 

Hit another goal today by deadlifting 100kg. First rep was okay, second rep I looked like any other idiot with a big ego. Now I can go back to lower weight again knowing that at least I did it, so the next time I hit 100 I will do it with good form. 

Hung out at the gym, keeping K company for a little while before I went home. It has only been a week since we broke it off, but it feels like an eternity. We're good, and I feel like it's easier to be positive this way. 

As for the rest of the day I am going to catch up on missed out studying and keep letting Christ Brown make my day. Have a good one.

mamma

So tomorrow morning my mum will go back to Sweden. 
Despite my mood being extremely fluctuating these past two days I hope she has had a somewhat nice time. I haven't been very nice I feel, and right now I feel slightly sentimental. 

Tonight we had mulled wine and Christmas-y cakes we baked earlier and it was so nice to just sit down and chat with her and my flatmate. We spoke about a lot of things but came into the topic about babies. It is the nicest feeling hearing you mother speaking about her experience having her children, which turned out to be just the way I am. I think my mum did an amazing job raising me and my brothers and I actually can't wait to start a family of my own one day. I have never felt strongly about having a family of my own, but I really feel the changes in my attitude towards it and it makes me utterly happy thinking about it. 

Enough of this, I'm gonna go enjoy the last night and morning with my mum. 
Lots of love. 

Love and realisations

Yesterday I had a massive realisation... something that K had try to communicate to me, in his own way, but which I never even began to realise. 

I know I push and push when I want something, when I think something is right. But yesterday it hit me that I have pushed too hard because I didn't have faith in the process, because I was scared that if I stopped everything would fall apart. So what I did... instead of bringing us closer, made a bigger gap. Now we have ended up here, a place where two people love eachother it's crazy, but they don't know how to make it work. And for that I am truly sorry from my behalf.

Now the only thing I can do is to stop and see what happens. I don't know however long I will have to stay still for, but I know that time will either heal us together or heal us apart.

6 weeks to Christmas, jokes

Today I finally had my root canal treatment and it went smooth. Lol. No pain, my lip was trembeling in the begining but quickly calmed down. 

Went to Stratford with my mum, second visit to Primark in two days... just how it's done. But it's fine. I give her that. 

Had a nap before heading off to Fierce Females bootcamp and after missing last week I was super excited to meet the girls. The class was super intense... "hardest one yet". But they smashed it.

Now that I have finished with my case study for UP, I will go back there next week to join Sian at a session. It has been months now and I know I will litterally die and question my own excistance during the session. But the feeling after is priceless. 

Tomorrow we'll have a good sleep in, then I have one client at lunchtime before I'm taking my mum to Tower Bridge. Then we are getting into Christmas vibes with baking and drinking mulled wine.

HERE WE GO

4725 words and 13 pages later I am done.

This past weekend I have spent so much time writing my case study for UP Fitness and I have spent two days going over it and making tweaks. Now... Just after writing this blog post I am going to send it in. I don't know if it's any good but at least I have tried and now I will just have to wait and see what turn my life will take in the new year. I hope UP, jokes!  Positive thinking now.

So my life has turned upside down again and I feel like I don't know left from right. There are so many things I don't understand and there are so many things I want to pretend isn't true, but I have no emotional energy to fight it anymore. So I am left heartbroken and reassured at the same time. But I still don't understand why two people that love eachother so much can't make it work. I pray that time will heal us together again, but if it doesn't I know it will heal us apart.

FINALLY

Yesterday I reached a goal I have had for a while... I managed to to 10 pull-ups on my own. The last one was maybe a little iffy, but I was well happy and I will make sure my 10 pull-ups will be hardcore next time I make an attempt.

FINALLY

Yesterday I reached a goal I have had for a while... I managed to to 10 pull-ups on my own. The last one was maybe a little iffy, but I was well happy and I will make sure my 10 pull-ups will be hardcore next time I make an attempt.

rant and stuff

So much is going on I can't even comprehend it myself. 

I got sent to me the case study I have to do for my application for UP Fitness. So I'm crazy busy trying to get it done before Monday when my mum arrives. Deadline is on Wednesday. It's really exciting, but I don't know if I am writing way too much. I sat almost all day yesterday and I would guess I am about 40% done, but I don't know. Luckily I have not many plans this weekend and my boyfriend has been avoiding talking to me for the past 2 days. I don't really know why, but I am so so sad right now. I think if he really doens't want to be with me, he should just tell me to my face instead of doing this. It's so unfair. 

I also have to have my endodontics treatment done next week. Since Monday I have been in serious agony. The cause.... all the fucking sweets my friends from Sweden brought over. PIGS! And I am now to suffer the consequenses. But oh well.. it needed to be done anyway. At least now I'm not in pain. 

the tooth fairy

On Monday my tooth ache came back. FUCK!
I am calling the dentist today and scheduling in my root canal for as soon as possible. It is funny how you tend to forget important stuff when they don't affect you directly. Well I am affected... and I am wondering if this is why my sleep has been broken for the past few days. So I am also extremely tired right now as well..

curriculum vitae

I am sitting here a bit nervous to send in my CV.  (I know I wrote about it some time ago, but my priorities to finish it was compromised by visitors and forgetfulness)

It's kind of the first time I am sending in a CV for a position I really want. I have always been quite lucky being given a job or just randomly apply for a job I didn't care too much if I got or not. But thinking about it I actually always did the jobs I applied for.

So it's a first and it makes me nervous.

I also don't know if I am ready for it IF I got the job, and I also don't know how I'm going to progress the next couple of years if I don't get it. 

My friend W is proof reading it as I write this. But as soon as I get an OK, I will do it.
Win or lose.

new friends

I spent my Halloween night with my newest friends here in London. Met their friends and celebrated Q's birthday. We went to a HipHop event at Bloomsbury Lane which was siiiick. Then I was lucky enough to get a ride home from a couple driving east. Super nice people. Then I swung by Frienchie's to say hi to some Uni friends before I finally made it home for 3am. Had an amazing night out, which just happens very rarely for me.

old friends

I've spent the weekend hanging out with two of my closest friends from Sweden. Dispite the extremely "cosy" room of mine, I had a super nice time with them and the weekend just disappeared.