The ocean and the city drown eachother out

It's been a while since I wrote here, again. But today I felt like I needed to write my thoughts down and reflect over life. 

I've never been the kind to think that "some things should be kept away from the public". 
I'm not ashamed to express myself, I don't really have any secrets (wouldn't tell you if I really had one of course) and if someone out there comes across my tiny blog and read this post and happen to feel the same way about anything, then I'm gonna keep writing. 

So. 

London. 

It has been 5 years and I love this city incredibly much. I can't really see myself leaving, although I have made the decision to do exactly that. To leave.

5-6 years ago, I had no problem doing anything I felt like. I would quickly break off potential relationships as easy as I packed my bag to travel across the world to follow them. Being heartbroken for the first time sucks and I hurts but I wish it upon everyone. It leaves greater marks on your being than most other things out there. I was 20 years old and when I didn't die (because I thought my heart would explode of sorrow) it gave me perspective and self-respect. 

I realised that I am in charge of my own happiness, and I alone.
So every decision I made - be it travelling around on the other side of the world for 5 months, moving to London, studying music, letting go of the idea that people will stay in your life forever, becoming a personal trainer, the people I consider my friends... it has been for my own happiness. 

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've been happy all of the time. Long from it.
And lately I have lost that perspective I talked about. 

If I'm going to be completely honest, I am as lost as you probably are.
There are so many things I WANT to do in life, yet I have become scared of dreaming. 
The biggest trap one can be in is our own head sometimes. 

I'm in love. Or at least I think I am. Because sometimes I'm not. But I think that is pretty normal right? Emotions constantly changing, even towards the people you love. 

We are two completely different people and sometimes when I think about it I can't see any reasons to why our relationship is working and why we should be together. 

Doubt. 

This guy is faithful, loving, good looking, have good morals, would be an amazing father, my family loves him and loves me... like a lot.

As any relationship it goes up and down, but mostly it's good. Mostly I'm happy.
Although I'm not happy in the sense that I want to leave London and he doesn't want to. 
So where does that leave us? 

This past month I have been really trying to get my perspective back. And it's there, right in front of my eyes. I can taste it, but I don't dare to stare at it for too long. I'm afraid I already know what has to be done. So I'm leaving myself to hope. Hope that things will change, hope, when I know in my heart it probably won't. 

A month ago I was sad when this slient perspective slowly came creeping back to me. It made me sad because it means that soemthing so good might have to come to an end. 

It's not what I want. But I want to be happy. 
My head and my heart is drowning eachother out and in a way it's out of my control (but not really).
Instead of trying to force him to come with me, knowing that we would be well off and maybe even incredibly happy together. I have distanced myself for a little while... giving him time to think. I have also given this "thinking" a deadline. When this deadline is up and he gives me an answer... then we'll know and none of us have to suffer in this pressure anymore. 

I know it might seem weird and maybe even cruel on him. I'm asking so much of him and I compromise very little in this situation. But I see no other way dealing with this. Our relationship has reached a few choices of doors and we have to go through one of them.

If he says yes, we'll decide when a good time is to move. I know it's probably never a good time, especially if you're in doubt, but at least set a month and year it's going to happen. Plan for it. 

If he says no, we'll break it off there and then, even if I end up staying in London another year or two. I want none of us to be held back to find happiness in anything or someone else and I don't want us to start recenting eachother later on.

If he still has no answer, I will kill my hope and I will break the relationship off. I have to take responsibility over my own happiness again, and I don't expect instant happiness with every action I do. But since I was heartbroken as a 20 year old I promised myself that a relationship is not gonna be the biggest source of happiness.

I love him and I want to be happy with him but I love myself more and I know staying in London isn't something I can do forever.

I hate this. Not knowing. 
But one thing I do know is that everything will be fine, no matter what this will lead us.