doubt

There's a lot going on in my head. I really can't put thoughts into words and when I try it comes out in a bad way.

The school is making you doubt yourself all the time and even though you might have the strongest mind, it gets to you sometimes. But that's the reality of this world so I guess it's a great lesson to go through, even though you sometimes feel like shit. That your spending your time and money on something that's impossible.

On Thursday Elin and I got into talking about death. And it is a scary thing even though I'm not scared of death itself. But the thought of people you love dying is horrible and the fact that it really happen anytime... well, it makes me think that maybe I should be where my family is and just enjoy the time I have with them. I saw a man get hit by a car the other day, and it made me think.

But on the other hand I know there's only one life you get in this world, and they wouldn't want me to, and I wouldn't want to, not persue a dream and to work hard to get where I want to be. But it is hard. I miss them, and I miss my friends in Sweden. I'm terrible at keeping contact, so sometimes I wonder if they think about me as the friend I was, or if I'm a fading memory.

And finally, yes, I am sometimes doubting being in a relationship. Especially the one I'm in right now. I love the guy, but I can never give him the effection he gives to me. I'm a complex person, and emotions like you should have in a relationship is hard for me. I really can't say what I feel with the right words, and it makes me doubt because he deserves someone that's sure. I hate the feeling of being unfair, and I think that's the maid reason why I'm doubting.

Doubt.

I've heard two things about doubt.

When in doubt, leave it out. (about shopping)

When in doubt, try it and see what come out. (about music)

I just wonder what's right for me to do. I know I would not become a happy person if I didn't work harder then this to become a great and praised musician. But when it comes to love, I don't know it I have what it takes to make thing work. And that worries me.