emotional crap and yesterday

Yesterday's get together with my class mates was postponed to an unknown date. People really don't get how easy, in one way, it is going to school. Like you always have the same schedule, so you can meet up after school and on weekends. It's a lot harder today. We're grown-ups with reponsibilities. And it's fine, but sometimes it would be nice for a chance to go back to when everything was easier.

I'm having a moment, so the rest of the text is completly from how I feel and how I think in this very moment. It may change and be the opposite tomorrow.

I think I am that kind of person who can't have easy though.
Never have been, never will be.
Maybe that's a good thing.

I am that kind of person who will always have big goals and high expectations on myself. I will work hard and stop for nothing. I will leave everything I know to chase it down. I think unfortunatley that will make me feel alone many times.

So I meet guys I can't be with. I have no idea why. Probably because I'm trying to protect myself from myself, so I can keep a barrier from getting too emotionally involved. I know I fail, all the time, but I tell myself different.

Still I say I'm happy. And I am, really. But sometimes it would be nice not to look up all the time. To just stay where I am and to be content. I'm not unhappy where I am today, I would say I am proud of who I am and what I've done so far in my 21 years on this planet, but I can never rest. That's how I feel. I'm restless.

I will never rest. Or so it seems today. But just for a few seconds every now and then I really wish I could say that I wanted less then I really want, that I wanted "easier". But I can't.

So I am leaving. I love you and I love myself, and how weird it may sound, that's why I leave you. Not because I want to, I need to, so that one day I can come back home and hopefully settle. That I can be with my family, my friends who will stick around even though I'm not around and also one day with a man.

So, I'm back to normal me again.

After I decided to cancel the whole class thing. I went to a man. I like him a lot, but yeah, things are complicated and if you did read my emotional crap, you could see that I'm not letting myself like anyone, by meaning any men, too much.

After that I walked for an hour before I met up with some friends. And then I ended up with one of my friends in her apartment and didn't go home until 1.30 am. She and I will always be friends. I've lost friends I never thought I would lose, but her and I... we've been through so much shit along all these years, so I know there's nothing that will break us. She's one of those very few people I count on my hands of whom I love. That's why I know this midsummer is gonna rock even though it's gonna be all different and suck!