I'm pretty excited because I will actually have time to join in for the live call today. It's a great opportunity to ask questions and get them answered straight away. Hopefully the connection is good!
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Study vibes
I'm pretty excited because I will actually have time to join in for the live call today. It's a great opportunity to ask questions and get them answered straight away. Hopefully the connection is good!
Monday, 28 September 2015
The power of sleep
Last night I decided that my day was over at 8.30pm.
I must have fallen sleep maybe around 9.30 (latest), but maaaan did I feel good this morning. Woke up at 5am with the increasing light from my sunrise lamp (but before my bird song alarm went off).
No coffee needed!
And now in my break I chose to have a herbal tea at the E5bakery, whilst typing out an agreement form for my clients (and this post).
As my morning meditation woman says:
"Open your eyes, get out there. Today is gonna be a successful day"
I must have fallen sleep maybe around 9.30 (latest), but maaaan did I feel good this morning. Woke up at 5am with the increasing light from my sunrise lamp (but before my bird song alarm went off).
No coffee needed!
And now in my break I chose to have a herbal tea at the E5bakery, whilst typing out an agreement form for my clients (and this post).
As my morning meditation woman says:
"Open your eyes, get out there. Today is gonna be a successful day"
Sunday, 27 September 2015
silence
Today feels quiet.
Quiet around me and quiet on the inside.
Like something peaceful.
Or something supressed.
Sometimes I don't know if I know the difference.
It has now been officially a week, but it feels like forever.
Every day has felt longer somehow.
A part of me doesn't know if I know the guy anymore.
Another part feels like I know everything there is to know about another human being.
But I guess all that might be irrelevant now.
Yes, today feels quiet.
Quiet around me and quiet on the inside.
Like something peaceful.
Or something supressed.
Sometimes I don't know if I know the difference.
It has now been officially a week, but it feels like forever.
Every day has felt longer somehow.
A part of me doesn't know if I know the guy anymore.
Another part feels like I know everything there is to know about another human being.
But I guess all that might be irrelevant now.
Yes, today feels quiet.
drunk in love
Title, says ut all. I am drrrrrrunk and it feels so good to not feel much at all.
Room is spinning, mind is numb and I really don't give a fuck right now.
So after running into my ex (it's a bit soon, but it's still what he is and I'm not known for sugar coating) I spent most of the day at home writing lyrics, doing some singing and drinking red wine. Sometimes you gotta love the red wine. Plus, all of my friends were away this time of the day and I was desperate and needed something.
I fell asleep on my desk for maybe 10-20 minutes before I got a text from Nancy saying we can meet up and have something to eat.
And after greek food and more red wine we split ways. She heading home, and me heaading to a bar. Yes, on my own. I had a really nice time and I connected with some members and non-members. Had one glass of Vodka with lime then two glasses of bubbly, and now I'm drunk.
So drunk.
Room is spinning, mind is numb and I really don't give a fuck right now.
So after running into my ex (it's a bit soon, but it's still what he is and I'm not known for sugar coating) I spent most of the day at home writing lyrics, doing some singing and drinking red wine. Sometimes you gotta love the red wine. Plus, all of my friends were away this time of the day and I was desperate and needed something.
I fell asleep on my desk for maybe 10-20 minutes before I got a text from Nancy saying we can meet up and have something to eat.
And after greek food and more red wine we split ways. She heading home, and me heaading to a bar. Yes, on my own. I had a really nice time and I connected with some members and non-members. Had one glass of Vodka with lime then two glasses of bubbly, and now I'm drunk.
So drunk.
Saturday, 26 September 2015
speak your heart
I have walked around this week thinking that I am doing pretty okay. I was convinced that I was doing okay, and maybe I really was... but today I was caught off guard seeing K on my way home through Broadway Market. My heart skipped a beat and I was instantly happy and horrified at the same time. A part of me wanted to run away hoping that he didn't see me, but I didn't dare to move and a part of me wanted him to see me.
He came up to me, gave me a hug and tried to make small talk. But when he asked me how I was my walls crashed down, I started crying and said that I had to go. Then I walked away, through the crowd, as quickly as I could, without looking back.
I am clearly not okay.
It's all quite a mess, and it's probably better off this way.
But in my dreams he reaches out and ask if we can try again.
At night I feel it the most and I find myself holding my hand on his pillow.
It takes everything in me not to reach out. But everytime I don't, I almost do.
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
He came up to me, gave me a hug and tried to make small talk. But when he asked me how I was my walls crashed down, I started crying and said that I had to go. Then I walked away, through the crowd, as quickly as I could, without looking back.
I am clearly not okay.
It's all quite a mess, and it's probably better off this way.
But in my dreams he reaches out and ask if we can try again.
At night I feel it the most and I find myself holding my hand on his pillow.
It takes everything in me not to reach out. But everytime I don't, I almost do.
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t,
I almost do,
Friday, 25 September 2015
Strong - body and mind
Last night I felt lonely before falling alseep. And this morning I felt tired. Just as tired I did for two weeks before things ended. No willpower to drag me out of bed.
But I did, and I went to work..
Then I came home and went back to my bed... started watching House and falling in and out of sleep. Feeling so, so tired. No willpower to drag myself out of bed to go and train.
But I did.
Went up to 80kg on Hip Thrust and 75kg on Back Squats.
I think I pulled a muscle in my ass, but it feels good to feel strong.
Having a strong body really helps with the strength of the mind as well.
I may not have strong willpower at the moment, but I have discipline enough to go out and do what needs to get done during the day. Then at night I allow myself to feel down and lonely if those are the emotions that I am feeling.
I am not happy with the way things turned out, and I am not putting on a face to pretend that I am happy even though it might seem that way. I'm simply keeping myself occupied, focusing on self-development and taking out my frustration in the gym. I don't need to cry to get a sense of release, even though I have no problem crying... in any situation.
Weight training is so much more than just muscular strength and growth.
It really makes your mind stronger and you can see things clearer.
(Plus, you'll look better if you are consistent with it.)
But I did, and I went to work..
Then I came home and went back to my bed... started watching House and falling in and out of sleep. Feeling so, so tired. No willpower to drag myself out of bed to go and train.
But I did.
Went up to 80kg on Hip Thrust and 75kg on Back Squats.
I think I pulled a muscle in my ass, but it feels good to feel strong.
Having a strong body really helps with the strength of the mind as well.
I may not have strong willpower at the moment, but I have discipline enough to go out and do what needs to get done during the day. Then at night I allow myself to feel down and lonely if those are the emotions that I am feeling.
I am not happy with the way things turned out, and I am not putting on a face to pretend that I am happy even though it might seem that way. I'm simply keeping myself occupied, focusing on self-development and taking out my frustration in the gym. I don't need to cry to get a sense of release, even though I have no problem crying... in any situation.
Weight training is so much more than just muscular strength and growth.
It really makes your mind stronger and you can see things clearer.
(Plus, you'll look better if you are consistent with it.)
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
up again
Just as I wrote the last post I was really dipping in my mood, then the mail man came and gave me a package sent from H&M and a package sent from my friend W.
Three Moleskin books!
Black - Diary
White - Gratitude
Red - Work
Or something like that.
Now I gotta get back on my productive hype, whilst waiting for my meat delivery to arrive.
Three Moleskin books!
Black - Diary
White - Gratitude
Red - Work
Or something like that.
Now I gotta get back on my productive hype, whilst waiting for my meat delivery to arrive.
Up and Down
I woke up to my light lamp today, 3 minutes before my alarm. I felt rested for the first time in a long time. I did my morning meditation while still lying in bed, and today was easier to block out thoughts and feelings.
The last two days I have been super busy working and running around that I haven't had time to be still, haven't had time to feel.
Today I am not busy at all. And despite how good my day has been so far, in a blink of an eye I get reminded of what I don't have and what I won't have.
It is the weirdest thing when you stop talking to someone and you still have all this leftover information about them. Like the name of their cat, where they grew up, when their birthday is, what makes them sad and what makes them happy, their scent, what position they usually sleep in... I know all these details, but now he is gone, and I don't know what to do with it.
One day at the time.
The last two days I have been super busy working and running around that I haven't had time to be still, haven't had time to feel.
Today I am not busy at all. And despite how good my day has been so far, in a blink of an eye I get reminded of what I don't have and what I won't have.
It is the weirdest thing when you stop talking to someone and you still have all this leftover information about them. Like the name of their cat, where they grew up, when their birthday is, what makes them sad and what makes them happy, their scent, what position they usually sleep in... I know all these details, but now he is gone, and I don't know what to do with it.
One day at the time.
Monday, 21 September 2015
aftermath
I woke up with a feeling of emptiness, but when I tried to do my morning meditation my head was so loud I couldn't stay focused on one single thing.
The thought of having to re-visualise everything I wanted in the future is quite offputting and I would rather just stay still in this moment for a while. Not moving at all. Just fuctioning. Just doing enough to fill the day. Then go back to sleep again.
The thought of having to re-visualise everything I wanted in the future is quite offputting and I would rather just stay still in this moment for a while. Not moving at all. Just fuctioning. Just doing enough to fill the day. Then go back to sleep again.
Sunday, 20 September 2015
I gave it my all
It's funny how everything changes in an instant.
And it's funny that despite all the love that's shared between two people, it still ends up in heart ache.
And it's funny that hope will always be the last thing that leaves you.
I knew it was over the moment he stepped into the flat.
He didn't even have to say anything, I just knew by the way he couldn't look at me properly.
I'm grateful that he actually did tell me why it's ending in the end, even though it is hard to understand and accept.
By here I am, and I've been here before.
I can't tell you how much it sucks, but if you have been in the same situation, I don't even need to try to describe it. It sucks and my heart hurts and all I want to do is to try to convince him to stay. But I'm not going to do that anymore. I can honestly say I have done everything I can for this relationship and I am proud to say it. It doesn't change anything now, but at least I know I couldn't do any more to try save it.
The worst part is that I still hope for him to change his mind and come back telling me that he made a mistake. Maybe he will, maybe he won't... but I really can't let myself stay in that place hoping and waiting.
I really do feel like I have just lost a massive part of me, but I also believe everything will always be the way they are suppose to be and time with either heal things or make them fade.
And it's funny that despite all the love that's shared between two people, it still ends up in heart ache.
And it's funny that hope will always be the last thing that leaves you.
I knew it was over the moment he stepped into the flat.
He didn't even have to say anything, I just knew by the way he couldn't look at me properly.
I'm grateful that he actually did tell me why it's ending in the end, even though it is hard to understand and accept.
By here I am, and I've been here before.
I can't tell you how much it sucks, but if you have been in the same situation, I don't even need to try to describe it. It sucks and my heart hurts and all I want to do is to try to convince him to stay. But I'm not going to do that anymore. I can honestly say I have done everything I can for this relationship and I am proud to say it. It doesn't change anything now, but at least I know I couldn't do any more to try save it.
The worst part is that I still hope for him to change his mind and come back telling me that he made a mistake. Maybe he will, maybe he won't... but I really can't let myself stay in that place hoping and waiting.
I really do feel like I have just lost a massive part of me, but I also believe everything will always be the way they are suppose to be and time with either heal things or make them fade.
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