where am I?

This month has been an emotional rollercoaster, and yet today I still don't know where things are and what will be in the future. 

After an actual breakup I came to realise a lot of things about the relationship I was in and about my own actions and attitudes towards it. I realised I love this guy more than I thought and that I don't really want a life without him. 

With that said, things are of course not that black and white. But the bigger picture is that when I am to settle down and start a family I want support from my family, and get guidance from my parents. I think it's something every woman would like to have if possible. 

Love is not an issue for us, there's plenty... and the last couple of days has really shown me that. What I feel at this moment in time is that us being together IS the right thing, and that any obstacle down the line we can deal with when it becomes relevant in time. 

I understand the reason to end things now, because it would be the easy thing to do. Then it would be no obstacles to deal with later on. But I just can't believe that the future, that is not even set in stone, is the cause to us not being and loving eachother now. 


I actually don't know what I am feeling - I can't really process what is going on. I am just wandering around. Not numb, just feeling something I can't put my fingers on. But I really do hope that it will all be clear soon.

realisation

After having a chat with a friend of mine I quickly came to realise that putting a deadline like I did, was cruel and wrong. Love is beautiful and change makes people scared. 

I haven't changed my mind about wanting to go back to Sweden. But the deadline I have to put is not on someone else to make a choice, but on myself to make a choice when I will leave. Otherwise everything will always be vague and unclear... and how can someone else make a decision if there is no clear facts, mearly words. 

So yeah, I have to give myself a deadline. 
Then stick with it and hopefully love will follow me.

The ocean and the city drown eachother out

It's been a while since I wrote here, again. But today I felt like I needed to write my thoughts down and reflect over life. 

I've never been the kind to think that "some things should be kept away from the public". 
I'm not ashamed to express myself, I don't really have any secrets (wouldn't tell you if I really had one of course) and if someone out there comes across my tiny blog and read this post and happen to feel the same way about anything, then I'm gonna keep writing. 

So. 

London. 

It has been 5 years and I love this city incredibly much. I can't really see myself leaving, although I have made the decision to do exactly that. To leave.

5-6 years ago, I had no problem doing anything I felt like. I would quickly break off potential relationships as easy as I packed my bag to travel across the world to follow them. Being heartbroken for the first time sucks and I hurts but I wish it upon everyone. It leaves greater marks on your being than most other things out there. I was 20 years old and when I didn't die (because I thought my heart would explode of sorrow) it gave me perspective and self-respect. 

I realised that I am in charge of my own happiness, and I alone.
So every decision I made - be it travelling around on the other side of the world for 5 months, moving to London, studying music, letting go of the idea that people will stay in your life forever, becoming a personal trainer, the people I consider my friends... it has been for my own happiness. 

I'm not gonna sit here and say I've been happy all of the time. Long from it.
And lately I have lost that perspective I talked about. 

If I'm going to be completely honest, I am as lost as you probably are.
There are so many things I WANT to do in life, yet I have become scared of dreaming. 
The biggest trap one can be in is our own head sometimes. 

I'm in love. Or at least I think I am. Because sometimes I'm not. But I think that is pretty normal right? Emotions constantly changing, even towards the people you love. 

We are two completely different people and sometimes when I think about it I can't see any reasons to why our relationship is working and why we should be together. 

Doubt. 

This guy is faithful, loving, good looking, have good morals, would be an amazing father, my family loves him and loves me... like a lot.

As any relationship it goes up and down, but mostly it's good. Mostly I'm happy.
Although I'm not happy in the sense that I want to leave London and he doesn't want to. 
So where does that leave us? 

This past month I have been really trying to get my perspective back. And it's there, right in front of my eyes. I can taste it, but I don't dare to stare at it for too long. I'm afraid I already know what has to be done. So I'm leaving myself to hope. Hope that things will change, hope, when I know in my heart it probably won't. 

A month ago I was sad when this slient perspective slowly came creeping back to me. It made me sad because it means that soemthing so good might have to come to an end. 

It's not what I want. But I want to be happy. 
My head and my heart is drowning eachother out and in a way it's out of my control (but not really).
Instead of trying to force him to come with me, knowing that we would be well off and maybe even incredibly happy together. I have distanced myself for a little while... giving him time to think. I have also given this "thinking" a deadline. When this deadline is up and he gives me an answer... then we'll know and none of us have to suffer in this pressure anymore. 

I know it might seem weird and maybe even cruel on him. I'm asking so much of him and I compromise very little in this situation. But I see no other way dealing with this. Our relationship has reached a few choices of doors and we have to go through one of them.

If he says yes, we'll decide when a good time is to move. I know it's probably never a good time, especially if you're in doubt, but at least set a month and year it's going to happen. Plan for it. 

If he says no, we'll break it off there and then, even if I end up staying in London another year or two. I want none of us to be held back to find happiness in anything or someone else and I don't want us to start recenting eachother later on.

If he still has no answer, I will kill my hope and I will break the relationship off. I have to take responsibility over my own happiness again, and I don't expect instant happiness with every action I do. But since I was heartbroken as a 20 year old I promised myself that a relationship is not gonna be the biggest source of happiness.

I love him and I want to be happy with him but I love myself more and I know staying in London isn't something I can do forever.

I hate this. Not knowing. 
But one thing I do know is that everything will be fine, no matter what this will lead us.

Naive

So today I tried this pre workout powder that a guy from my gym "composed" and wanted a few of us to try. Stupidly I did before my session at UP Fitness, felt pretty bad after half the session and ended up having to jump off my bike to vomit on my way home. Felt pretty shit all evening after that, and felt pretty stupid being so naive and just try some random shit out. 

I can't wait to give that guy my review when I see him next time...

time and butterflies

Honesty.... time flies away! 

I'm working on being a social butterfly, making plans and not be such a granny ALL the time.
It's going prety good, although I feel that I need to stop and get back into default soon. 

So I'm looking forward to my holiday with Kaeten going to spent time in my family's summer cabin in the south of Sweden. I pray that the weather will be nice, as all I want to do is go to the beach and swim in the ocean. And read. And eat. And NOT think about work - at all. 

Then come back and start working in a new enviroment. I'm excited, yet there is loads to be done before that! 

Midsummer

Today is Midsummer, and it's the first time I am not spending it with my family in Sweden. 

Today I am off work and I'm not celebrating it at all, although tomorrow I have put together a picknick at Hyde Park with some friends and my flatmates. I think it't gonna be great :) 

But Glad Midsummer eveyone, may the sun be with you wherever you are!

Daddy's girl and more ranting

Tonight I spent 50 minutes on the phone to my dad and it has been a very long time I had a long conversation with him. Mostly I had a rant about my business and it was so nice to hear words from a businessman, rather than someone that only thinks about making money.

I know it's important to make money but seriously, as I said in my last post, you have to run your business with dignity and don't let people walk all over it. It's not easy... and I don't find any joy charging clients that cancels too late. Of course, sometimes you have to let one slide... but if you put too much emotion into the thought process it's just not sustainable and you end up with more stress and less livelyhood when you already had a policy agreed on to protect yourself in the first place! 

Anyways, tomorrow I have 7 clients booked in AND my own training at UP Fitness, so it's a pretty busy day. But come Friday and I have the whole day off.

CHANGE

So today I finally resigned from my gym. BIG change is around the corner and I'm feeling excited and happy. Come August and everything will be running ackording to MY policies and how I want my business to go... without anyone telling me anything else. 

I'm going through a stage where I am taking responsibility for seperating my business with my private life, something that is extremely hard to do in this industry. 

I have had one too many disputes with clients that doesn't understand what a 24 hour cancellation policy is, to which from now on I will chose not to work with. So tonight I trashed one of my clients, and I have a feeling there will be a couple more that just won't like or respect my terms and conditions. 

I know it comes out as harsh, and some people thing that it might be unecessary. But to be honest, it is the only way for me to stop stressing so much and to respect myself as a trainer and business owner. And I can honestly say that I'm happy to cut my income in half if I only work with people I want to work with. 

So yeah, there you have it. My future starts now.
ARK Fitness starts now!

work week

Had a quiet work day today. Two classes and one client.
It was quite nice to have a lot of time though. Did some serious cooking, and a great workout at UP fitness again. Felt really low on energy so today I was super nervous about the class, but it wasn't too much cardio included so I was at home with the training style. Still hard though!

Tomorrow is a busy work day! 
Going to be at the gym from 5.50am to 12.30pm, then Kaeten and I are going to Bend it Like Beckham, a new musical coming out. My client was sweet and gave me two tickets to a preview show! So that will be fun. 
And then straight back to work for anohter 2-3 clients. 

Thursday is a kind of quiet day with only 4 clients and one taster booked in. But then I'm going back to UP for another session, and I need to sit down and study this week's call.

Friday = Off day

Today I had no clients, and I didn't visit my own gym at all (which I normally do)

However, I went for another group training session at UP, and even though it's hard as fuck... at least I'm not feeling sick afterwards, so that's a step in the right direction. Well pleased.
My co-worker is SMASHING it though. so strong she is really impressing the guys over there... I need to step up my game even more to be at her level. 

Been reading Norweigan Woods today as well... I'm finding it hard to find peace to sit down to read, but today was one of those days... 

AND!

I just finished a mastodont of a study call with my nutrition course. 
A 1 hour call has taken me 3 sittings of just about 1 hours each to complete.
So much information my brain is fried up.

I'm gonna return watching an episode of Sons Of Anarchy before bed. 
Then a solid sleep, I have a long day tomorrow!